RECOVERY - THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF EVERY BEREAVED PARENT

By Margaret Gerner, MSW TCF St. Louis, MO Chapter 1987

When we are in the deepest throes of our grief, the thought of recovery, feeling better,  joy or of even being comfortable, is completely alien to us.  We don’t believe we will ever again experience any of these states.  We are so bogged down in misery that we are certain we will feel like this for the rest of our lives.  And because parental grief is so intense and lasts so long, the belief that we will be miserable for the rest of our lives is reinforced.  Then add to that the fact that recovery from our grief is so imperceptibly slow, we are made absolutely certain that we will never feel good again.

Well, contrary to what you believe, I can tell you that you will not always feel as you do now; that you can look forward to being able to think and talk about your child without pain.  Granted there will always be a sense of regret that he or she is not with you, but you will be able to live a comfortable life with the reality that your child is not alive.  That reality will be very much a part of your life but will not be deeply painful.  It is true that recovery from the death of a child is an extremely long, painful and psychologically complicated process, but it can be accomplished.  Hopefully, it is the ultimate goal of every parent in TCF.

How long it will take for us to reach a point where we can be comfortable is impossible to predict.  Some parents arrive at that point sooner than others.  I think much of it has to do with how effectively we have faced and worked through our grief.  Because I did not grieve in a healthy way for many years after Arthur was killed, I had to begin to grieve properly six years later.  Therefore, it took over ten years to reach a point where I felt no pain at the thought that Arthur was dead.  My daughter, who had the knowledge and support of TCF, has reached a comfortable point in a much shorter time.  There is a wide variation in our grief experience.

I know that what I have said is hard to believe.  For that reason, I suggest that you accept this with blind faith for the time being.  Then when the pain becomes more devastating than usual, I think of what I have said.  Think of it as a rope hanging ‘out there’ for you to grab onto.  Think of it as a rope of hope.  Recovery IS at the end of this terrible journey.  Ant that means you can have your child in your life, in a special way, and  without  pain.

Focus, December 1992 Newsletter

When  our  special  sadness

 Comes   to   call,

When   we   remember

More   than  we   can  bear.      

When   courage   falters  -

Shadows   everywhere:

Then   let   us   reach

And   touch   and   share,

We  who are  friends.

Wanganui  Newsletter,  June  1995