Words Of Encouragement

A  Letter  from  A  Compassionate  Friend  ……..

This past August was the 10^th anniversary of the accident that changed my life forever.  I thought, as most, that I would never survive;  that I couldn’t go on without my husband and my sweet, precious son, Nicholas.  As I sat there after the funeral feeling I wasn’t going to make it another day, I made a call that gave me the lifeline to my future.  On the other end was a Compassionate Friend.  She sat on the phone for endless hours the next several months, giving me the support I needed to grieve and survive.  It’s because of her that I am here today.

Eight years ago, I was given the opportunity to become a facilitator.  To be there for others, to lend the strength that someone once gave me, and I wouldn't change the last eight years for anything.  I have met some wonderful people and have received so much in return.  In the hospital after the accident there was a wonderful woman who had lost her husband.  She sat with me and held my hand and listened to me through my tears.  One day I looked at her and asked why she was so good to me.  She replied, “I’m passing on a gift and one day you will pass it on to someone else”.  I didn't understand this at first, but now I feel I have passed this “Gift” on in memory of my husband and son;  and in return it has given me a reason to live.  Only we, as bereaved parents, know what it feels like to lose our children.  As Compassionate Friends, we receive help, and we give help that can be a lifeline to someone else’s future.

Debra Hudu-Kerulis, TCF Lake & Porter County Chapter

Lifted from Friends, Caring & Sharing Newsletter, Feb. 1994  

CHANGES  Racheul Burrell and Barb Coe

When someone in the family dies, it changes you.  For kids, this can be really hard because you are just trying to figure out who you are and what kind of person you want to become. Then BOOM!  Everything changes

Some kinds say they believe they look different, but most of the changes happen inside you.  Many kids have lots of new feelings like sadness, anger, guilt, fear, loneliness and worry.  One boy worried about his family being safe at home after his father died.  Two girls were scared that someone else would die.  A sixteen-year-old was hesitant to learn to drive.  Four brothers had trouble concentrating at school.  A six year-old didn’t want his mom to go out at all.  For some kids, all of a sudden, they are an only child.

It can seem like the world around you has changed.  It might feel different at home and school and even with your friends …. Almost as if you aren’t in the same place anymore.  One boy said, “I feel sort of like an alien from outer space.”  How does it seem to you?  Have you changed?  Is the world around you changed?

Change is scary.  It takes some getting used to and some patience.  A lot of kids say that it helps to just admit you feel changed, and to know it’s normal.  Try making two lists: one for how things were ‘BEFORE’ and one for ‘NOW’.  Maybe you’ll discover new things about yourself ….new interests, new strengths, new talents, new things you want to do.  Sue knows who her really good friends are now.  Paul found that he liked helping and being needed.  Nina discovered a talent for writing about her feelings.  Lincoln knew how to comfort his cousin when she was sad.  Daryl cherished his father’s sense of humour and kept it alive by making people laugh.

If you give yourself a chance, you will find the new You.

Gratefully lifted from Survivors – Nov. 92

WHAT WAS HE LIKE?

After meeting a friend that I had not seen for quite some time and exchanging catch-up information, something wonderful happened to me.  This beloved friend expressed the usual condolences over the loss of my brother but went on to pose the question, “What was he really like?”  My eyes must have sparkled like fire.  The question itself ignited an unbelievable response.  Unleashing all my memories, I began immediately bursting at the seams.

Oh, he was so kind and gentle.  He was so seldom angry that you remembered the exact moment when he lost his temper – because it just didn’t happen that often.  And he was so good at telling stories.  Believe me, he could embellish a story.  His left eye would wink, and he’d get a silly grin on his face as if he weren’t going to tell you the ending.  By then He’d spout out the ending, knowing that he had teased you once more.  And oh, he was so respectful to Mom and Dad that I wanted to slug him sometimes.  He would always tell me that I wouldn’t get into trouble if I’d just keep my mouth shut!  And never, never could I outlast him at night.  He would come in from a date at midnight and still have enough energy to watch the late movie.  Brilliant – why he never had to crack one book in high school!                                                                                                                       

And I could have gone on and on.  I told my friend that I didn’t want to keep her and that I certainly didn’t mean to get so carried away, but so few people ask me that question.  She told me that she would have liked to have known him.

This instance may be a rarity with friends who have not experienced the death of a loved one.  But may we, in Compassionate Friends, keep asking each other over and over, “What was he really like?”

Julie Cameron, TCF, Louisville, KY

Gratefully lifted from The Sibling Newsletter, Oak Brook                                        Winter 1993

Sometimes, after a period of feeling good, we find ourselves back in the old feelings of extreme sadness, despair or anger.  This is often the nature of grief, up and down, and it may happen over and over for a time.  It happens because we are human – we cannot take in all of the pain and the meaning of death at once.  So, we let it in, a little at a time.
How to Go on Living, Peppers & Knapp – Lifted from Reflections – Perth,August1997

THE SEA

As the storm raged in fury all around me, I stood staring out to sea.  Then the great Lord Thunder said:  ‘Your trials are just beginning.  I, too, have to sail upon this sea.  Ten long years ago, my journey which has no ending began.  Rough seas and storms await you, but between those there is calmness.

‘Listen now with care, for I wish to share with you my knowledge, in hopes that it will help you on your journey.  Upon this sea are memories and their singing is sweet to those of us that listen.  None of your shipmates will hear the same song, for the song is for you alone.  For the others, there is a different melody playing upon the harp.

‘Great caution must be taken, for the songs have driven minds to madness.  You will be greatly tempted, but remember this my friend, many are caught and devoured if they linger too long.  You must continue on your journey, for your sailors depend upon you for their guidance.  There are two currents in this sea and both will carry you through the passage called Time.  It is for you alone to decide which course to sail.

The first current is Misery, a lonely course to travel.  It is less painful because your heart will harden and eventually you will turn to stone, but a high price will be paid!  All your shipmates will leave you, unable to look upon your coldness.  You need not travel alone, for Hate and Anger will be your constant companions.

‘The second current is Sorrow, a difficult course to steer.  It is a fact that some of your shipmates also will leave you, but the true ones will remain to help you on your journey.  Soon you will discover others who have similar tales to tell and a common bond you’ll share.  Here, you will also encounter Tears.  They are necessary, embrace them.

‘If you choose wisely,’ said the great Lord Thunder, ‘you will take the current of Sorrow.  On this current, your vessel will be able to endure all the storms it must travel on your never-ending journey.

‘Remember too, tat eventually the storms will lessen and you will sail into the calmer waters called Peace.’

*Gratefully lifted from the Bereavement Magazine, September 1992

No farewells were ever spoken  There was no time for goodbyes. Shannon was gone before we knew it and only God knows why. If tears could build a stairway and our hearts could build a lane, we would walk the way to heaven, to bring her home again. People may think we have forgotten, when at times they see us smile.  Little do they know the heartache our smiles hide all the while.  To some she may be forgotten, to others a part of the past.  But to those of us who loved and lost her, her memory will always last.   Now her soul is joyful and up in Heaven is at rest.  For this we are grateful but we don’t miss her any less. Always on our minds and forever in our hearts.

Love Mom, Dad, Natalie &Matthew  

Submitted in loving memory of Shannon Birbeck  - 29.4.97 – 27.2.98  

*Gratefully lifted from the Johannesburg TCF Newsletter August 1998