August Newsletter

My dear Friends,

Coming to meetings for the first time can be traumatic.  It means that you as a bereaved parent, have made a beginning to your own healing.  It means that you have acknowledged the dreadful fact of your child’s death, and that you've realised there can be help on your journey of grief.  You have taken the first step.  You find you can remain silent if it is too difficult to speak, but as you listen to the rest of the group, it seems as if you are among others who are experiencing similar feelings to yours;  who have the same ‘crazy’ thoughts going through their minds.  Maybe it’s not true that you've gone mad!  Maybe, in the midst of abnormality, this is normal.  You begin to understand the amazement and awe that they appear relatively ‘normal’.  They talk and even laugh like ordinary people!  Is it possible that they, too, have lost children?

Tears are allowed, accepted and even encouraged!  What a relief to let it all out, to be able to weep without concerned friends and family trying to ‘shoosh’ you, and telling you to put it all behind you;  to be able to say freely what you think and what you feel;  even to express guilt and to show anger.  Yes, here you can be yourself.  You decide you’ll come back again.  You even begin to relate to the pain of those around you.

Even so, we need to remember a few ground rules.  Although each one of us needs time to speak, we must remember to respect each member’s right to speak, and to listen to them, too.  This is what sharing is  -  listening, respecting, not judging.  Confidentiality is of the utmost importance.  Among us are people of different faiths and backgrounds, different upbringings and indoctrination's.   It is not for us to judge;  our prejudices must lie dormant.  Each person has to bear their own pain, and for each one that pain is dominant.  It is not for us to belittle any one else’s pain or feelings or thoughts.  We can all learn from each other.  We realise that each one responds to pain in his or her own unique way.

As the months pass, the graph of our own pain goes up and down.  Gradually we note, or we would if we kept a record, that there are more ups than downs, and that the ups last for longer periods of time.  Hope begins to flower again and we can begin to look forward to tomorrow.  We have endured so far.  We will go on living.

With love,

Eve

Gratefully lifted from the August 1998 TCF Johannesburg Newsletter

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow

A husband who loses a wife is called a widower

A child who loses his parents is called an orphan

But in Yiddish they say there is no word for a Parent who has lost a child

That is how awful the loss is

Reflections Vol 17-1, 1998

Honour for TCF Founder

The Founder of TCF, The Rev. Simon Stephens, has been awarded an OBE.  In 1988 Simon was listed in the New Year’s Honours, having been nominated for an award by the Royal Navy for dedicated service as a Chaplain.

It was whilst he was Chaplain at the Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital in 1969, that he brought together two newly bereaved couples.  He witnessed the therapeutic value of the resulting friendship, based on the mutual understanding of their heartbreak and sorrow, and The Compassionate Friends was formed.

From 1976 to 1980 he held te post of Vicar at St. Stephen’s Canley, and went on to become a Royal Navy Chaplain. His 17 year service with the Navy ended with his retirement last year.  Simon is now in charge of the Church of England chaplaincy in Menorca.

Nearly thirty years later The Compassionate Friends has spread throughout the world and is now represented in more than twenty countries. 

Lifted from TCF News, Bristol – Summer 1998

How to survive ...the loss of a love

Healing is not the smooth process many people assume.  It is more a lightning bolt, full of ups and downs, leaps and backslides.

Everyone knows what loss feels like …. Or do they?

Along with the obvious feelings of pain, depression and sadness, there are other reactions to loss that are not so obvious, such as:

·         Feeling helpless, fearful, empty, despairing, pessimistic, irritable, angry, guilty and restless
·         Experiencing a loss of concentration, hope, motivation and energy
·         Changes in appetite, sleep patterns and sexual drive
·         A tendency to be more fatigued, error prone and slower in speech and movement

Any, or all of these, are to be experienced during and after the experience of a loss.  It’s part of the body’s healing process.  Bear with these changed;  don’t fight them.  It’s okay.  You might want to follow a few of the suggestions given, remaining aware that your mind and body are already involved in the healing process.

Following a loss there are three recognisable stages of recovery:

·         The first is shock / denial
·         The next is anger / depression.
·         Finally, understanding / acceptance.

Expect to be in shock … It’s good to be aware of these phases of recovery and to know that each is both necessary and natural.  At the end of this progression are the rewards – the pleasure of freedom, the joys of growth and the sense of mastery derived from having dealt with a loss in a ‘right and proper way’.

Accept the loss.  You can expect to be in shock for a while. This emotional numbness may be frightening.  You may struggle both to believe and to disbelieve that this could have happened to you.  But it has happened.  It is read.

Accept it … You are strong enough … you will survive … you’re hurting.  To feel pain after a loss is normal, proof that you are alive, a sign that you are able to respond to life’s experiences.

Loss is part of life – of being alive – of being human.  Everyone experiences loss.  Your self-esteem may have suffered a jolt, and your thoughts may be full of guilt, worry, condemnation and self-deprecation.  These thoughts are just symptoms of the stress you are going through.  There is no need to have negative thoughts about yourself.  You will get better.  There’s no doubt about that.  It is the nature of the healing process to have a beginning, a middle and an end.  Keep in mind at the beginning that there is an end.  It’s not far off.  You will heal.  Nature is on your side, and nature is a powerful ally.

The healing process takes time.  The greater the loss, the more time it will take to heal.  You require time to heal.  Give yourself the luxury.  The process of healing and growth is not the smooth progression many people assume.  It’s more a lightning bolt, full of ups and downs, progressions ad regressions, dramatic leaps and depressing backslides.  Realise this ad know that the healing process is underway.  Expect your judgement to be clouded these days, therefore keep decision-making to a minimum.  Postpone major decisions if at all possible.  Friends and family can make many minor decisions for you.  Invite them to do so.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  It’s a human (and courageous) thing to do.  Surround yourself with things that are alive. Don’t isolate yourself from life.

Reaffirm your beliefs.  They may include religious beliefs or philosophical concepts in which you put stock.  Use any body of knowledge which you find comforting, re-explore it, lean on it, grow from it, enjoy it.  You may be having suicidal thoughts.  They may not be as eloquent as Shakespeare's “To be, or not to be”, but they may arise.  Keep it a question.  It’s not really an answer.

Do your mourning now.  Don’t postpone or deny, or cover, or run away from your pain.  Bear with that pain.  If you do not allow the hurt to heal completely, you find emotional over-sensitivity the result.  You might flinch at every new encounter.  Expect a positive outcome. Anticipate it.  Plan for it.  It will come. Bear with the sadness and the pain when it comes, but don’t dwell on it.  Accept it but don’t invite it.  Pain is an acceptable guest, but not a welcome long-term visitor.  It’s okay to feel depressed.  Pretending to have more energy or enthusiasm or happiness than you actually have is not productive.

Tomorrow  will  come  -  It’s okay to be low-key for a while.  Crying has its own special purpose.  It is cleansing, a marvellous release.  It’s okay to feel angry.  Everyone gets anry at the loss of a loved one  -  everyone.  It will go away as the hurt heals

Nutrition  -now is not the time to alter your eating habits drastically or go on a crash diet.  Good nutrition tends to speed the healing process.  Increase the amount of protein you eat.  Meat, fish, poultry, milk, eggs, nuts, seeds, soya beans and whole grains are high protein foods.  Remember in these days of stress and recovery, that you are vulnerable.  Guard your physical health – get rest – don’t over-extend – eat well – get moderate exercise.

Under-indulge in addictive activities.  Beware of anything you may be or may become addicted to.  Under-indulging in the escape mechanisms of society is in order.  Bear with the pain, don’t run away from it.  Alcohol may numb the pain momentarily but is is a depressant and the eventual effect will be greater depression.  Drugs (marijuana, uppers, downers, all the recreation chemicals) interfere with the natural healing process and should be avoided.  A series of momentary ‘high’ is a poor trade off for a deepening depression.  If your doctor prescribes medication, a sedative or tranquilliser for example, by all means take it.  In that case the medication is part of your recovery programme.

Heal  at  your  own  pace  -  Although some people may demand it, don’t feel guilty if you fail immediately to ‘understand’ why the loss happened, or instantly ‘accept’ the loss gracefully.  As you continue to heal you will find:

·         Your thinking sharper

·         Your judgement more reliable

·         Your concentration improved

·         Your view of the world less self-preoccupied

·         Your feelings more alive

·         You’ll feel stronger and more independent

You’ve learnt that:

·         You can survive

·         Pain eventually lessens

·         Healing does occur

You've dealt with an experience of loss and have grown from it.  But don’t settle for just surviving and healing.  Let growth continue.

Start anew -Be open to new people, places, ideas experiences.  Visit new places.  Now’s the time to develop new interests but don’ forget about the old interests and activities you’ve let lapse.  In choosing new and old interests, be sure to intersperse those activities which require people and those which you do best alone.  You can now be comfortably alone with yourself again … In addition to moving outward into the world, explore ad enjoy your personal world of solitude.  Enjoying yourself alone is a necessary prerequisite for genuinely enjoying others.  Having weathered a crisis, expect to discover:

·         A stronger you

·         A different you

·         A more evolved you

Enjoy your freedom.  You’re in control now.  Make the most of the ability to choose where, what, how, when, who.You are bringing order into your world again.You can choose the world you want to have around you.

From How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Ph.D   Harold Bloomfield, MD and Peter McWilliam

Sunlight casts long shadows at the eve of the day and nightfall hides the world around from view.

But treasured, precious memory keeps our loved ones bright as day

Remembrance brings solace all life through